About

Hi there reader,

This website is a combination of two things: Stories that come from my upbringing, which was anything but regular, and the ongoing, play-by-play commentary of what unfolds over these next one thousand single days.

What do I mean when I say  ‘One thousand single days?’
I mean, one thousand days of being single. And by single I mean single in every sense of the word. And celibate.

This is an experiment on my life:  Deciding that for one time in my life, I am going to separate myself from that whole dirty, crazy, hectic romantic love thing, and then observe what happens to me during that time.

This is a choice. Until March 14, 2015, I am choosing to be alone. And what I choose to do with that time, I think, will define me later on.
I intend to use this time to address some of the issues I have. For example, I am very stubborn, I think I am always right, I have no boundaries, I have shockingly low self esteem, I get jealous, I can get really, really angry….
I am going to explore all those issues publicly in the most candid way I possibly can, knowing many of you will also relate to something i just listed, and it can help to know you aren’t alone. But we mustn’t be content in living with these character flaws. We have one life, there should be no excuse to exit this life with the same disfunction we were born into. We have to address our weaknesses for the sake of others, but mostly, for the sake of ourselves. Like attracts like. Whole people, attract whole people.
I want to learn to be whole.
I also feel (and correct me if I am wrong) that life at times seems to revolve around love-dating-men-women-sex-flirting-breakups-makeups-lovesongs-romantic comedies……..
Is there a life outside of it all?
Well, I intend to find out.
In choosing to commit to this period of my life to being single, I am not choosing to endure a period of life that will be absent of love. I are choosing to explore and experience every other form that love presents itself in. There is far, far more forms to love than just the one a lover or spouse can offer you.

They say that there is only one happiness in life; to love and be loved.
Yes, true enough perhaps but the source of that love? One man? One woman? Your boyfriend? Your date? Your lover?

What about the friend who you have known since you started walking? What about the brother who is over protective, but adores the heck out of you? What about your mother, who you haven’t gotten to know as well as you should yet, but would lay down her life for you? What about your kids, who forgive your failings and your stumbles and even after you have taken your frustrations out on them in an angry and unreasonable outburst, still curl up on your lap at the end of the night?
In choosing to remain single for the next 1000 days, I won’t necessarily lack love in my life. In fact, it is quite the contrary. I have begun discovering just how much love I have in my life. It’s always been there, and I’ve always felt I was well loved, but without the distraction of trying to stay afloat in a tumultuous relationship, I am beginning to see the extent of it.

Thank you for reading. As of May 2nd, 2013 I was 330 days into my 1000 single days and my life has already been transformed.
I am happier than I have ever been in my life.
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589 responses to About

  1. 

    Awesome! I think if more people took the time to feel clean and free and relaxed in their own skin FIRST, there wouldn’t be nearly as many dysfunctional and unhealthy relationships to serve as a commentary for the sad emotional state of our times. Alas, I am guilty of contribution as well. Often, I feel as if I’ve been in an unhealthy ‘romantic’ love for nearly four years now and long to break free of the ties that bind me mentally, physically and emotionally to this person. It is at once the my wildest dream come true and my worst nightmare and I swing on the pendulum every day. Perhaps, you will inspire this old soul to learn to live clean and free and relaxed in my own skin NOW…

    It is a great thing that you aspire to and I applaud your passion to this commitment to yourself. I have no doubt that whether you stay single for a thousand days or meet your perfect soul mate a thousand minutes from now, you will have the insight to know what is right for you and will live according to the rules that govern your own heart and not the opinions of others. Belief in yourself is the greatest gift we can every receive and allows us to accomplish the seemingly impossible. Thanks for the ‘like’ on my blog, and yes, I will be one of the many cheering you on…not to see whether you succeed in your achieving this goal but, because the journey to finding YOU is the most important thing we can ever do for ourselves. Some days I feel half way there…and others, not so much lol. Namaste and be happy :)

  2. 

    This is a really great thing. I will follow. Thanks for ‘liking’ my post.

  3. 

    It is an awesome/scary/enlightening journey you have embarked upon. I wish you peace, love, light and clarity. Thank you for visiting my blog.

  4. 

    Interesting thing you are doing, most people get caught up, and lost, in other people and relationships. I think it is in solitude that we learn the most about ourselves and find ways to change that what which we don’t like. Mind you, love might come striking somewhere along your 1000 days…. Good luck to you, whatever that good luck may mean :-)

  5. 

    Hi – love this. I had a bunch of crappy-*ss relationships and then was single for 8 YEARS… not one single date did I accept and it was the BEST thing I ever did. I focused on my goals… no more being derailed with those guys who did NOT deserve me. Then, when I was about to move out of the country, I was introduced to who is now my husband of 4 years. He’s 100% OPPOSITE of the crappy-*ss men I chose before and treats me like a queen. He’s absolutely amazing. So I fully support your decision and say YEAH FOR YOU !!

    • 

      This is why I love keeping a blog, because of messages like this. Its so encouraging, and to be honest, I actually do gain a lot of strength and focus from my readers. Thank you so much for being the cheerleader I so, so need at the moment.
      xxx Ness

  6. 

    Your blog has a great concept. Great in the sense that you are very confident about being single. There is nothing wrong with being one, and I am sure you are on your way to greater self-discovery. I adore people who are not afraid of being alone, “Aloneness” can teach us so many things that we never thought possible. May your 1000 days journey be fruitful and successful. I would like to share this wonderful video I have watched hundreds of time already (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs). Good luck!

  7. 

    I wish I could have read this when I was in my teens and twenties (a long time ago!). I was so fed up of being caught up in a life filled with relationships with boyfriends that just didn’t feel ‘right’ for me. All the kissing, cuddling and petting was so meaningless and depressing for me. I wish I’d had the courage to take time out, as you’re doing, and really find myself. I took a long road home, getting lost and falling down a deep hole along the way.

    Fortunately for me things did come right in the end, and then, at 29 (still a long time ago) I met the man who became my husband. We’re so happy together now and I have my own life/interests, too, which make the path of self-development an ongoing one. Yes, there IS a life outside the depressing dating roundabout that you describe so well.

  8. 

    YOU are a rockstar. thanks for bringing itl.

  9. 

    Thank you for liking a post on Shadows. I will definitely take some time in your blog. It would also like to encourage you with hope and a promise that there is indeed a rich life of peace and freedom outside of the “love-dating-men-women-sex-flirting-breakups-makeups-lovesongs-romantic comedies……..” And a life full of love doesn’t have to be a combat zone.

  10. 

    very interesting, I will certainly follow your journey if I live that long! even if I don’t I will have my iPad with me for eternity, I’m sure it is the one thing you can take with you!

  11. 

    I will tell you that I spent 2 years alone and it was the happiest time of my life. And you will spend some time cyring, laughing, loving you…but don’t forget your focus on being single, even when you’re at your loneliest.

    Good luck to you & Lots of Love!

    Miss Thang

  12. 

    Fantastic blog! I’ve chosen to be single for the last two and a half years and It’s the best decision I’ve made yet. Keep up the good writing, I shall continue to read your stories with great pleasure :)

  13. 

    I applaud your effort to remove yourself from vicious cycle of flirting/love/sex/heartbreak that too many people fall into. God made human relationships to be positive and affirming, but too many times we go about it the wrong way. In the long term, taking a break and getting your bearings could be the best thing you ever did. I’ll pray that you find your greatest potential of who God created you to be!

  14. 

    Hi! Thanks for visiting my site :) Glad I got to come and check yours out, too! While I am happily married now, I know how important it was for me to take time off to be single and be me before I got into that relationship! Knowing ourselves can be so hard to do in this fast-paced, noisy, media-driven world! And it’s so hard for some of us to learn to love being with ourselves sometimes. Great site!!

  15. 

    Ooh wauw, I am truly impressed! I love your way of thinking and I admire your courage to actually do this experiment. Can’t wait to read all your stories untill 2015! Good luck and keep us posted :D

  16. 

    Your blog sounds really interesting, and I am really impressed at your commitment to self discovery and improvement! Enjoy Life and many blessings!

  17. 

    I find your decision to be interesting, and I look forward to your entries :).

  18. 

    I really like the concept of this blog, and good for you to ‘find yourself’ and spend some time on you. I’m currently working on ‘me’ as well. I am on a mission to get in the bet shape of my life, and I really want to focus on my goals, and be selfish for once. I wish you the best in your journey, and am looking forward to reading your updates.

  19. 

    I read some of your writings and was particularly moved by Torn. You are an inspiration, I hope when your boys are older they realize what an amazing Mom they have.
    Where I would agree with you about deferring your writing to once a week or so I would also say I don’t believe your career and education are the most important things in your life right now. I think, and am sure you do also, that your children and family are most important, the first priority. Without them your life would not have the meaning it does. Your education can come second, to enhance the first priority.
    As far as writing, do you journal? That can help pacify the writer in you and it may not be the onerous thing a blog can be.
    Take care,
    Dwayne

  20. 

    Wow! How incredibly brave.

  21. 

    I love what I have read of your story. Thank you for your honesty. May you find the wholeness you are seeking.

  22. 

    Thank you for liking my post, “rainy evening alone”. It was nice to see a beautiful woman like yourself taking on such a bold commitment to stay single for such a time! I admire you. I look forward to reading more of your writing and basically following your journey! I’ll be right alongside you (being single), just perhaps not for the same amount of time.
    Thanks again, and keep enjoying the journey!
    -Marjorie

  23. 

    Wow, I am amazed at what you are doing. It is brave and inspiring. I wonder now if I might find the strength to do something even remotely close to what you are attempting. What would life be like without the drama and pressure of dating and love? And who would I be without it? I can’t wait to dive in to your blog…

  24. 

    I love this, though can I be honest and say that at some level, I’m also saddened by what you are attempting. It’s a deficiency on my part, I’m sure. But I guess my inner mystic, for lack of a better word, thinks that if there’s a God or some higher power, the only way we can know that power is through love. OR, maybe I’m a dumb dumb. I wish you luck, in any case.

    • 

      That’s surely true – but romance is not the only kind of love, and “Relationships” are not the only kind of relationship. Without real love, selfless love, romance is not only meaningless but actually rather a selfish thing, competitive and dehumanising, and will tell you less about God and love and truth than friendship or family will.

      Only when romantic love is combined with friendship and sacrificial love do you get something that really tells you about the heart of God and the meaning of our lives. And when you see that, it is really inspiring.

  25. 

    That’s a smart thing to do! I’m kind of in the same boat–single and staying that way–and I think you’re wise to spend the time working on yourself. You’re right in that we can change and should spend time doing so, and I think starting a blog and being honest about any issues you get into is going to open up a world of conversations for anyone who reads, which is an amazing thing to do.

  26. 

    This sounds like me. This made me cry. Thank you. xoxo

  27. 

    Dear Ness,
    (May I call you that, or is that too presumptuous?) I am so happy to have found your blog. May I first congratulate you on your quest? It is a wonderful thing you’re doing, and equally a fantastic example you’re setting. Codependency is a drug that popular culture has been feeding us for too long, and I believe everybody should do at least six months of full-on turbo singleness to quell it.

    I don’t wish to sound like I’m bragging, especially as we just met, but reading about your goal, and what you both intend to learn and have already learned gave me pause to consider my own single-span, and I realised that I achieved your goal last week. I don’t wish to preach, but firstly: it can be done, and secondly, you will look back with pride. I know I would not have some as far, achieved as much or had anywhere near as much fun as I have done if I had a young lady to bolster my confidence simply because that was her hypothetical job.

    I look forward to following your escapades, this is no mean feat!
    Best wishes,
    Chris

    • 

      Yes, you may call me Ness, everyone does :-)
      Thank you so much for sharing that with me, I think that what you said is remarkable, but you can tell it comes from personal experience.
      I do believe that the next few years of my life will really create a strong foundation in which to build the rest of my life upon. There really are so many things about who I am that I would like to address, and discover.
      Thank you again for writing, getting messages like that really does make writing so wonderful

      • 

        Thank you, I’m glad you’re encouraged, especially as after re-reading my comment I spotted two mistakes. Ugh…

        There will come a great moment when you realise that you stopped counting the days, and you don’t measure in statistics anymore. From that point, you’re free, and it’s brilliant.

  28. 

    Love your blog – Thank you!

  29. 

    Just wanted to stop by and say thanks for checking out my blog and liking my blow out meal. I have lots of great recipes I hope you’ll try sometime and let me know how they turn out. Please feel free to ask questions or make comments any time.

    I read through your ‘about me’ section. A good book that really helped me with a lot of this stuff was Stormie Omartian’s, “Lord, I Just Want To Be Whole.” I’m not sure where you stand in your spiritual journey, but I assure you, I will be praying for you and begging God to show you how much He loves you. Knowing and feeling His love changes everything.

  30. 

    You have a strong spirit and when you let yourself just BE yourself, you will find that elusive wholeness you are seeking. It’s one of the blessings of growing a little older and a little wiser each day. Good for you. Wisdom is acquired over time. Consider the smooth pebbles in a mountain stream. How long did it take to work out those rough edges and sharp corners?

  31. 

    I am glad to see a younger woman taking time for herself. It is not all about dating and sex. You are whole without a mate. So many people talk about being incomplete outside of a relationship, but really when we get to know ourselves, we realize that it is all there already.( I personally believe that the most important friend you can have in your life is God. Since this post is not about that, I will not comment further on my personal beliefs unless someone asks!)

  32. 
    StephenBrassawe August 17, 2012 at 12:17 AM

    This little essay is excellent! I am on day 1,705 myself. I would like to report that the benefits for me have exceeded my wildest expectations. Good luck to you.

  33. 

    Thanks for the like, your blog sounds really interesting. I look forward to reading it!

  34. 

    AMEN sister! I am right there with you!

  35. 

    If there’s one thing I’m learning, there’s a lot of love out there in the blogosphere, and most of it blissfully untainted by the love-dating-men-women-sex… rollercoaster that you speak of. Well said, and I wish you every success and all the love you can bear in your 1000 days of single :)

  36. 

    Thanks for reading my blog…I like your theme–one thousand single days…and I look forward to reading more…

  37. 

    fascinating concept! i can’t wait to see where this goes, and to hear what you have to share.

  38. 

    awe, love it. good for you. so glad you are putting other important people first. i bet they’re glad too :)

  39. 

    I’ve always beleived before you can love anybody else you’ve gotta love yourself. Your choice along with your present voice gives substance to this. Although I’m male who’s morphed into man, which… Based on the first, would keep my belief platform on the sexist side, the man I’ve become gives me a high consciousness. So yeah, I can say this and know it’s true; “I luv this journey you’ve invited everybody on”.

  40. 

    Good for you! If I had to write this, it would be more like 17 single years. :P

  41. 

    What an interesting idea! It’s a daring and powerful choice of yours. I love it and am curious to see how it goes! Maybe they could make a movie out of this?

  42. 

    What a great decision you have made. I beleive you will really benefit from the personal learning and insight so that when u return to the world of realtionship, u will be better off cos you will know urself more, you will know what u want and what u r looking for, you will have improved self-control so u won’t rush in where angels fear to tread, you will discover other things in life you love because you have left a space to discover them. Good luck

  43. 

    Thanks for liking my blog post. I’m on a journey to discover a better writer within myself…. Or just to vent sometimes… ;) I’ve been in the alone cycle before, but it wasn’t on purpose, I just didn’t trust anyone anymore. I was single for about 6 years.
    Then I took a class in something completely different, and met someone I ended up married to…..
    My story doesn’t have a happily ever after ending….
    We’re separated now,
    but the first year was Fantastic.
    Sigh……
    there are no guarantees in anything you do. You just have to choose to take the plunge or not to take the plunge.
    During the times when I was taking the plunge (pre 6 years single) I had five children, and them, I wouldn’t give up for anything. Not even if I had to do it all over again to get them.

  44. 

    Thanks for liking my post – humor is important in life. Based on all the comments, you have struck a chord here.

  45. 

    Thanks for liking my post, it’s a tough thing to do and something many can relate to. You do forget you have love if you are without romantic love and trying to adjust to being “alone” is more about being lonely at times then actually alone. Good luck!

  46. 

    Hi
    I told you that I would follow you and indeed I have thought about you and your plans a lot. This plan of yours over the whole 1000 days is I believe asking too much of yourself because if you fail for whatever reason your self esteem will suffer and you will feel a real loss.I seriously suggest with whatever wisdom my 81 complete years has given me that you should plan say 500 days at a time.You will get such satisfaction at the end of each period that it will regenerate your determination for the next five hundred. Anyway reading all the comments it is clear that you will never be without love at any time.
    P.S. SMILE A LOT X

  47. 

    I’m quite excited to read about these days, sounds really interesting, and also well done, far too many people never take time to just be. Good luck!

  48. 

    Wow, I’m actually really stupid, for some reason I did not actually register how long 1000 days is! Then I saw the count down. Jesus Christ that’s a long time! This is fascinating and again, good luck!

  49. 

    I love it!! What a fabulous thing to do for yourself, and those around you :o) Even though I am not single, I am finally starting to focus on myself and the person I have become, because I was so enwrapped with others. I found slowly changing things to make myself a better me has done wonders! Thanks for a great post and also for visiting my family overhaul!

    • 

      I believe that people can still do something similar to what I am doing if they are married/in a committed relationship because essentially, its just about trying to figure out who you are, where your place is in the world, what your weaknesses are so you can address them, what your strengths are, so you can celebrate them. I’m happy to hear that you have begun valuing yourself enough to take time out for just you. Its so important. :-) Thank you for writing.
      Ness

  50. 

    Thanks for visiting and liking my website.
    Your project is awesome, I wish you the strength to carry it through. You are right that we can only truly discover ourselves without distractions. But be warned – I gave up men (admittedly I was only 18 at the time!) but then 3 weeks later met the man I have now been married to for 32 years!
    Dorinda

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